Sleepless
by malreina
Summary: Thessia burns when Shepard closes her eyes, and synthetics are no more immune to horror than us. One-shot.


Inspired by my love for AIs, the weighty sense of defeat after Thessia, and a particular remark from EDI if you include her on said mission:

"_I'm beginning to understand what the word 'nightmare' means to organics and why you feel trapped when you can't wake up_."

Enjoy. :)

* * *

_This is Lieutenant Kurin— is anyone still using this frequency?_

_We're trapped under heavy fire— they've flanked us! We need assistance, our barriers won't hold!_

_By the goddess, anybody?_

"I'm here, _I'm here_!"

Shepard jolted upright as if she'd never shut her eyes. Her cry was met by an empty, silent cabin and sweat-soaked sheets. The clock read oh-two-hundred hours. Clutching the fabric in her hand, she held it to her chest as the dream faded and reality set in.

Reality was not an improvement.

Over the ever-present hum of the Normandy's engine, the comm system beeped.

Earth and Palaven flashed through her weary mind, the wound of Thessia fresh as the image of its blood-red sun obscured by the smoke of ravaged cities. It was her burden, inescapable as the reapers themselves. When she closed her eyes, when she wanted nothing more than to sleep, the galaxy burned behind her eyelids.

So what now, at this hour— stranded refugees or Cerberus operatives, reaper flagships on their tail, perhaps? Which colony had fallen, what planet erased? What defeat had they suffered, and whose name must she add to the wall?

What new horror awaited before yesterday's had dulled?

_This is Lieutenant Kurin—_

Her finger hesitated above the comm button for a brief moment before she pressed it and grunted, "Shepard," her voice heavy with more than a lack of sleep.

"It is EDI, Commander."

"What's wrong, EDI?"

"I wish to speak with you, Shepard. I apologize for the lateness of this request."

Shepard rubbed a hand over her eyes, blinking them against the starlight that filtered through her window. The immediate threat of danger having passed, her brain reverted to a general sense of worry, rather than adrenaline-fueled awareness.

"I'm listening," she yawned.

"I would like to come in, if that is permissible."

Quirking an eyebrow, Shepard scratched her hair and rolled out of bed with a sigh, tugging on a pair of pants over her underwear. "Yeah… permission granted," she said, tying the drawstring and flopping onto the couch. "Come on in."

The door opened with a _fssshh_, and Shepard heard the quiet whirr of the android's motors— the _ptink-ptink-ptink_ of her footsteps on the metal floor. As her eyes drifted shut, Shepard could just begin to see the fires of Thessia igniting for the thousandth time.

_This is Lieutenant Kurin— goddess, is anyone out there?_

"Shepard, with respect to your station… you appear to have forgotten your shirt."

She forced her eyes open and realized she wore only a sports bra. EDI hovered over her, looking more concerned than amused. "You're lucky I remembered pants," Shepard sighed, patting the couch next to her. "Have a seat."

EDI obeyed, mimicking Shepard's relaxed posture and leaning into the couch cushions. The AI fidgeted with her hands, crossed her arms, then set them at her sides before reaching the decision to fold the appendages in her lap. Shepard hid a smile. For all the AI's brilliance, she hadn't quite figured out what to do with empty hands. Not a problem most organic life would consider— but to EDI, they must seem extraneous when not actively in use.

"If my interruption of your sleep cycle detrimentally affects your higher neural functions, I will accept full responsibility."

Shepard chuckled, though it was dry and felt hollow in her throat. "If I fall asleep at the helm tomorrow, it won't be because of you."

EDI tilted her head. She had not fully grasped the delicate art of facial expression just yet, but she tried. The squint of her eyes and downward turn of her lips were more than enough to convey worry as data streamed across her visor.

"If you require a remedy for sleeplessness, I am sure Doctor Chakwas could provide—"

"_No_," Shepard snapped a little harsher than intended, but the AI seemed not to take offense. "No chemicals or drugs or… I need to be awake." _Need to keep my eyes open, need that much control, at least._ "I need to be at my best."

"With all due respect, Commander," EDI spoke softly, "if you are not sleeping, you are not performing at optimal capacity."

"Really, I'm fine. Don't sweat it."

"Easily done— this body does not perspire."

"Uh, no, I meant—"

"I understand, Shepard." EDI gave a tentative smile. "That was a joke."

Shepard rolled her eyes but returned the smile. "Didn't _you_ want to discuss something?"

"Yes." The android's face went blank, lacking even the lines and creases to suggest the subtleties of her mood. Truly unreadable. God help the crew if she ever tried her hand at poker. "I felt I needed to talk… in person," said EDI. "Is that strange?"

"No, it's perfectly normal. Which— for you, I guess— _is_ strange. What's up?"

"I can't purge the vid file from my memory, Shepard."

"What vid file?" Shepard asked. "You want to delete something?"

"No— but I can't stop seeing it, as though I am compelled to watch. This form of feedback is… unsettling."

Hairs on Shepard's neck prickled as a chill climbed her spine, the ambient hum of the Normandy's engine a sudden pulse in her ears. _Keep your eyes open— or the fires will start_. She licked her lips, swallowed hard, and drew a slow, deliberate breath. "What vid file?" Shepard murmured.

"I recorded our mission on Thessia."

_This is Lieutenant Kurin— can anyone hear me?_

Fingernails bit into the flesh of her palms, but Shepard barely noticed as her ears buzzed with a static rush, and when she blinked, Thessia's glorious buildings toppled yet again.

"_Why_?"

"It offered a unique opportunity to analyze reaper offensive and defensive strategies in a theater of total—"

Shepard slammed her fist into the couch. "It was a _tactical defeat_!" she barked.

"The asari are still fighting, Shepard." Hands primly folded in her lap, EDI did not so much as bat a false eyelash at her commander's outburst. "The situation does not yet quantify defeat."

Shepard cleared her throat and licked her lips. As the buzzing dissipated, her ears flushed hotly instead, a blush creeping across her cheeks. She hated that— it made her freckles stand out, made her look like a kid, reminded her of the gangly eighteen-year-old standing in line at the Alliance recruitment office, enlistment papers clutched in eager hands. How little she'd known.

But she'd learned, hadn't she?

Shepard hung her head, unable to meet the android's impassive gaze, and wiped her palms on her pants. "That was… I'm sorry. That was unprofessional."

"I had hoped we were speaking in the capacity of friendship rather than professionals."

Shepard looked up to find EDI's head tilted, her eyes fluttering in what she swore was a nervous manner. The commander managed a smile and gave the AI's arm a reassuring tap. "Well, I don't typically address the crew in a bra."

EDI tittered. Shepard couldn't help her smile broadening— she'd never heard the AI laugh. The sound was hesitant and quiet, as if she was practicing and bashful of the outcome.

It was sort of cute, actually.

"That was a joke," Shepard mimicked.

"I had deduced so, yes."

God, she was patient. Shepard regarded her with a different light of respect. EDI had come to _her_ seeking advice, and she'd managed to derail the AI twice already, none too gently. Such irritability would have earned a snide remark from Ashley, wounded stammering from Liara, sarcasm from Joker, and possibly a broken jaw from Wrex or Grunt— but EDI took it in stride.

"Let's have a look at that vid," Shepard said.

"Are you certain?"

"Yeah."

She flipped open a holoscreen on the coffee table, and once she'd manipulated a few settings, EDI established a connection with her own database. Shaky video footage came alive on the screen, punctuated by gunfire and reaper klaxons. Shepard immediately recognized the Thessian skyline smoldering in the background and realized she was viewing the events quite literally through EDI's eyes.

"I apologize for any instability in the image," said EDI. "The environment was not precisely conducive to filming."

On cue, the camera jerked as bullets sprayed the air and EDI ducked behind cover, a streak of black-and-red armor flashing across her view. Shepard heard herself shouting orders, remembered the taste of the words and acrid smoke in her mouth.

_"Focus-fire the brute! Get it down— TAKE IT DOWN!"_

EDI sprang from cover and hit a hulking brute with several devastating Scorpion rounds— the monster lost an arm and half its chest to the ensuing energy bursts. Shepard couldn't help but admire the AI's impeccable marksmanship. It had taken her years of training to achieve that level of accuracy, but to EDI's complex analytical mind, it was as simple as an organic heartbeat. It was beautiful, in its own way.

The brute buckled and fell under the barrage of gunfire and biotics, slamming to the ground with an impact like wet meat on concrete. Black ooze bubbled and seeped from its wounds and slicked the ground, but EDI daintily stepped around the gruesome mess as if avoiding rain puddles.

Then a reaper klaxon rent the audio— so loud, the speakers could only convey the sound as a low-frequency roar that, even now, made Shepard feel like the earth had torn away beneath her feet, and she was falling, tumbling, her stomach in her throat.

In EDI's field of vision, the commander and Liara instinctively ducked, but the android's gaze swept back and forth, then up— up towards the clouds that burst like puffs of steam as a reaper shot through. Its limbs unfurled, the very air warped by the enormity of its mass effect field, streaks of atmospheric flame streaming from its body and tinting the clouds bloody red. The camera zoomed in, blurred, and focused, following the machine's descent.

"I keep replaying this data file," EDI spoke, her voice gentle and quiet, yet Shepard startled all the same. "It was simply an analysis of reaper stratagem, but now I find myself truly… _watching_. I feel… helpless. Small. I wish to look away, but I cannot."

The ground rocked upon the reaper's impact. EDI stumbled and the video jerked and swayed as the image flared red, her optics adjusting in a panicked blur. Through the muddled audio, Shepard heard a frenetic clicking and realized it was EDI's processors in overdrive— like a racing heartbeat. The camera panned out to follow the reaper beam arc across the city. Buildings and ancient architecture burst like kindling, exploding in gouts of flame and debris, history obliterated in plumes of smoke dispersed on the wind.

A thin, pathetic wail rose above the chaos. Bile climbed Shepard's throat as EDI's vision refocused and Liara fell to her knees— her gun slipped and clattered to the fractured pavement. Shepard gulped as she watched herself grab Liara's chin and twist her face, trying to lock eyes, but the asari resisted and screamed as the reaper charged its beam again.

Gunfire drew EDI's attention and revealed a troop of husks and marauders swarming over the distant rubble.

_"Enemy units closing on our left flank!_ _I recommend defensive—"_

A banshee shrieked, its cry rebounding off the toppled structures as if from everywhere at once.

_"Commander!"_

Shepard dragged Liara to her feet and gripped her head, pulling her close so their faces were a breath apart— then released her and pushed the gun back in Liara's hand.

"I understand now why we synthetics are so feared," EDI said quietly.

Shepard snapped out of her living memory and gaped at the android. "_EDI_. You are _nothing_ like the reapers."

"I know. Yet many organics associate my kind with them, much as they did the geth. No matter my own merits and individuality, I will always be viewed first as synthetic and held to the connotations that implies."

"EDI… not everyone is so… I mean, yes, a lot of people think—" Emotions twisted in her chest, and Shepard grunted, squeezing the bridge of her nose. She rubbed at her eyes as if she could scrub away the residual images— but embers kept flickering in the dark, catching wind and running rampant like a hungry swarm. "EDI, I…"

_This is Lieutenant Kurin— is anyone out there?_

Shepard grimaced and twisted her head away.

"Shepard…?"

_This is Lieutenant Kurin—_

She bit her lip hard— the coppery taste of blood hit her tongue. What was wrong with her? Even after the Skyllian Blitz, she'd never felt so—

_"This is Lieutenant Kurin, addressing all forces!"_

Shepard went rigid. She'd really heard it that time, not in her head, but… slowly, she raised her eyes to the holoscreen, knowing what she would see.

A Cerberus ship faded into the red clouds, Kai Leng and the catalyst data aboard, her own figure diminutive against the Thessian skyline. Through EDI's eyes, she saw the futility of the rounds she fired into the burning sky. She might as well have shot at the reapers themselves. She was a drop of piss in the ocean, a grain of sand against the rising tide.

The harder she struggled, the faster things went to hell.

_"Our position is compromised—"_ Lieutenant Kurin's voice buzzed over their comm units._ "Delysia Quadrant is no longer defensible— repeat, no longer defensible!"_

As EDI and Liara stumbled up behind Shepard, two more reapers descended on the broken city. The comm frequency lit up with the cries of asari soldiers, a chorus of fragmented pleas diffused with static— a thousand lives on the brink and not one Shepard could reach.

_"— reaper inbound at Telestra Plaza—"_

_"— all gunships in the vicinity, we need immediate aerial—"_

_"— overrun the forward base camp, retreat's cut off—"_

_"— any reinforcements, goddess help us—"_

_"— can anyone respond?"_

Arms stretched wide as if to embrace the planet itself, the reaper ships made contact with a ground-shaking tremor.

"I'm here," Shepard whispered.

"Commander?"

Shepard watched a spire crumble and crash into the bay like a child's toy model rather than a marvel of engineering that had withstood the passage of millennia. As the Normandy swept into view, EDI's attention was drawn away, but Shepard's memory filled in the blanks as well as any vid. The roar of fire and wrenching steel, the dumbstruck look on Liara's face as she tugged the asari aboard the shuttle bay… the last scream on her comm unit as her fingers trembled and she snapped off the device.

"They died because of us," she said hoarsely.

"They died _for_ us, Shepard— for their people."

Shepard remained silent as the video ended, her eyes unfocused as though she still watched something EDI could not see. The AI observed her commander for several moments before she deemed the silence had grown awkward. Few conflicts were solved by staring.

"How is Doctor T'soni?"

"As good as anyone can be in this… situation." Shepard ran her fingers through her hair and hunched forward, elbows on her knees, and absently cracked her knuckles. "She's keeping herself distracted— wanted some time alone."

"Doctor T'soni's unwillingness to discuss these events is understandable, but it does not mean you cannot seek comfort in others instead."

"I don't need… look, EDI, I'm fine. It's done. It's over. We all need to move on."

"There was nothing you could do to save Thessia, Shepard."

"_I know_!" Shepard snapped, crushing the couch cushions in her hands, fingernails snagging in the fabric. "That's the point, isn't it? Nothing I do will ever be enough— my _best_ isn't enough!"

Shepard jumped as she felt EDI's hand slide over her skin and gently grip her arm— surprisingly warm, not the cold metal she might have expected. Lifting her head, she met the android's eyes.

"You're an exceptional soldier, but you are correct— your best is _not_ enough to stop the reapers. Not alone," EDI said. "This is not a war of individuals, Shepard. We must all work together to end this— the burden does not rest solely on your shoulders."

"We— _I_ lost the prothean data. _Me_. If we can't finish the Crucible because I let that bastard get away, it _will_ be on my head!"

"We will retrieve the data."

"Cerberus could be anywhere. It's a damn big galaxy, EDI."

"Cerberus cannot hide forever, Shepard. It is statistically improbable."

"There's a hell of a lot of time between now and forever, and it's time we _don't have_."

"Then I suggest we follow Specialist Traynor's lead," EDI said without missing a beat. "I believe the human saying is '_any port in a storm_.' Sanctuary is as good a port as any, and better, perhaps, than most."

"You've got an answer to everything, don't you?" Shepard managed a smile. "So tell me, how did this turn into a therapy session for _me_?"

"I believe this discussion has benefited us both. Exploring your organic thought process in this manner helps me understand and reconcile the feedback I've encountered. I sometimes feel… isolated in this respect— able to observe but not experience chemical emotion as you do."

"You're not isolated, EDI— we're all here to help you. You're not some emotionless machine."

"That is quite so. However…" EDI knit her hands together, and her gaze fell. "I lack a context, Shepard. I lack a people— a homeworld, culture, history… a family. I am simply what I was built to be."

"And you were built by humans, EDI— _we're_ your people. Earth is your homeworld."

It was Shepard's turn to touch the AI— the first time she could remember doing so. EDI's dermal coating was smooth and pliable, perhaps silicone or another polymer compound— and warm. She wrapped an arm around the android and drew her into a rough soldier's hug.

"Don't _ever_ think you're alone," Shepard continued. "Maybe you've got microchips and I've got synapses, but it doesn't make you any less a friend. You mean a lot to me. A lot of us wouldn't even be here right now if not for you. You think we'll forget that just because you're synthetic?"

EDI gave a shy smile— she was getting better at that. "No, Shepard."

"Damn right."

Shepard's eyelids suddenly felt very heavy, and when she closed them, Thessia's fires did not burn quite so brightly. In fact, they seemed to dwindle. She stifled a yawn and touched her forehead to EDI's.

"_Damn right_," she mumbled.

Shepard let her head slip down and rest on the android's shoulder as the flames in her memory sputtered— at least for a time.

"Shepard?"

"Mm…"

"Thank you for calling me a friend."

As her commander drifted to sleep, EDI quirked an eyebrow and watched the rise and fall of the woman's chest. She didn't dare wake her. If her biometric scans were any indication, Shepard was not sleeping well or often. Fortunately, her telepresence in the Normandy's systems proved useful— she could monitor the ship's autopilot just as well from here as the cockpit.

EDI gently brushed her fingertips over Shepard's freckled face.

Besides— it was not every day she felt so human as this.


End file.
